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Yesterday, I highlighted a couple of stories from the classic “silly season” August newsdesk over on ‘Bites. Both involving nudity looking back on them now - but that wasn’t intentional.

Anyway, I thought I thought I might as well spread them about it, by posting over here instead to give you this spicy story to take away.

The sauce for a spicy Italian sandwich was apparently a must have for one Florida man.

The man, Reginald Peterson, called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left off the sauce.

Peterson initially called the emergency number Thursday so that officers could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. The second call was to complain that police officers weren’t arriving fast enough. (CantonRep.com)

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Possibly the most interesting story to emerge out of Watford since - well, ever - and The ThunderDragon isn’t around to give us his opinion on matters. Might be the most interesting thing to come out of Watford actually, but I’m just a biased Northerner and assume that all goings on in places where they can’t talk proper are wrong in some way. Still, doesn’t stop me talking about it.

“It” of course being Ian Oakley - and his admission of a campaign of harassment against the Lib Dems. I’d have thought they’d be quite proud that they were viewed as a target instead of being the eternal third place - but that’s probably a sore point.

I missed this story breaking, but knew there would be mention of it on these humble pages:

Personally, I do not believe that Ian has done this. I don’t think that he is so stupid as to conduct such a campaign. However, if he is convicted of this in a court of law, then I will stand corrected. (Ian Oakley Resigns as Watford PPC - 20th July)

Well, he’s not been convicted exactly…

I’ve noticed though that a lot of commenters are jumping on this post though. I’m not going to try and pre-empt what the invariable comment will be from the Dragon on his return from the desolate wastelands that is Scotland, but perhaps it’s a case a misplaced loyalty.

Let’s look at it objectively though.

Is Ian Oakley the first parliamentary candidate to resort to shady dealings? Certainly not, and I doubt he’ll be the last. It happens with any job - some people want it so much they do things they shouldn’t have.

So, does it mean that all Conservatives are vandals? I don’t think anyone can even think about suggesting as such - it’s an isolated incident. I’ll say with some confidence that it’s not official Tory policy - or indeed that of any political party. Well, maybe the BNP….

And so what that people who knew Oakley better than you, me, or the cat next door didn’t believe he could have done it. More intelligent people than I have been duped by criminals in the past. It’s seemingly very easy to keep criminal activity hidden - it’s often difficult enough for the police and courts to know if someone’s committed an offence with all the evidence in front of them.

Therefore, I’m left with the classic comment “So what?”. It’s not like Oakley was actually an MP and with the responsibility attached to it. He’s done the crime, so he’ll serve the time (whatever it might be). Unfortunately for the Tories, he’s almost certainly cost them any chance in Watford next time out. Give it a few years, there’ll be some scandal affecting some other party. And providing it’s not a systematic approach by an entire party, I’ll still be saying “so what?” The people then will also serve the time as appropriate. We don’t live in a world where everyone is morally sound. If we did, I wouldn’t have much of a job.

~Asp (With no allegiance to any particular party before anyone comments)

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BBC Radio 4: 5 minutes ago:

Womens’ magazines are about buying shoes. Women hold down complex jobs. In reality women don’t spend many days buying shoes…

Having had the odd girlfriend (unless they were all odd girlfriends), at this point I lost any credibility in the item (just how the one excludes the other eludes me) and stated looking at Wellington Grey cartoons…

I am not commenting whether the selected cartoon has anything to do with shoes.

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With the holiday season encroaching onto activities, I’ve been asked if I can make a few other guest posts away from the usual Saturday ramblings. Something might be concocted in due course, but in the interim I read a joke in some of my après-vacances reading. I’m sure some of you have already seen it - but if you haven’t it’s good enough to be inflicted upon a wider audience. Certainly more amusing that some of the Dragon’s cats. ~Asp

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy’”.

” No,” said Mr Brown, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained the Prime Minister “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.Gordon searched the room.

“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?”

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand…In a quiet voice he said: “If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Brown was struck by a “friendly fire” missile and blown to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Gordon Brown. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy “It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a f*cking accident”

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For the millions amongst you that’s been waiting in eager anticipation for the return of my Saturday guest post (OK, I might be slightly exaggerating there), I hope that the extra day you’ve had to wait hasn’t caused a major consternation for you. But, as the regular reader of my own blog knows, I’ve got a good excuse. Yesterday, I put on my best hunting jacket to find somewhere to live as of September when I join the hoards of people who do that strange thing called “work”. Successfully too as it happens, but perhaps with a bit of a gamble - due to circumstances I’ve gone into at ‘Bites it was the only property we viewed, and if we hadn’t signed there and then, we’d probably have lost the property.

So, is this part of the evidence that the renting marking is growing and growing whilst the property purchase market is growing slower and slower? Maybe or maybe not - but the figures alone paint their own picture. With mortgages becoming more difficult to obtain, more people are unable to buy. And those that are often trying to “ride the storm”, not wanting to buy when they’ll be plunged into negative equity before they’ve put their key in the door.

However, in Britain we are a nation of home-owners. Renting is seemed as “second class”. Renting is dead money - at least if you’re paying off a mortgage, you’ll have a house at the end of it. But not every country has such a “property snobbery”. People rent for many different reasons.

Personally, there’s a bit of a combination of factors. I’m starting on a two-year fixed term contract - if I don’t continue beyond then, it’s pointless to buy a house. Even if things look good for staying on, I’m going to be new to the area - so need to be living up there to have a look around. Plus, I don’t want to be in negative equity. I’ll probably keep an eye on property prices, and when they start to turn may well move onto the “buy buy buy” factor.

But there’s other reasons for wanting to rent too. A lot of people like the freedom it offers. A lot more flexibility if you don’t like the area / house - you can just move out with considerably more ease than needing to go through an entire conveyancing process.

A lot of people who are now unable to sell their homes are renting out their property instead. It’s a new generation of landlords, a world apart from the buy-to-let landlords of only a few years ago. It could, potentially, result in a more long-lasting change as people discover some of the advantages from renting.

I can’t see things changing enough to replace the existing “become a home owner” mentality. But, with the climate as volatile as it presently is, renting is certainly the way to go…

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(This is a cross post from the Wardman Wire by Matt Wardman)

I came across Chris Applegate’s rather wonderful algorithm for a David Aaronovitch simulator, based on this column:

• Step 1: Go ad hominem from the very start and label your opponents as being part of some mythical self-styled intellectual commentariat (while ignoring just how eminently qualified you are yourself to belong to that same cadre):
• Step 2: Posit a false dichotomy and put your opponent at one extreme end of it.
• Step 3: Push the boat out even more - emphasise how the bad men will get you if you don’t do what they say. Go for the heart-tugging “as a father” line if need be.
• Step 4: When all else fails, wring your hands and play the race card.
• Step 5: Ask a sub-editor to top it off by giving it the headline “Ignore the paranoid fantasists” and voila! Instant column!

The existence of a convincing algorithm invites a question:

Could we re-engineer Eliza to be an Aaronovitch simulator and thereby prove that belief in the real one is logically unnecessary?

Now, Chris Applegate is a Geek:

the blog, website & general online presence of Chris Applegate, twentysomething geek and generally lost boy

So how about it, Chris?

If we could do the same for a lot of columnists, then our newspapers might be economically viable again.

I had a little try out with Eliza (linked above):

Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?
Me: I want to be David Aaronovitch.
Eliza: Why do you want to be david aaronovitch?
Me: I can’t work it out.
Eliza: Have you tried?
Me: It depresses me when I do try.
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
Me: No, that’s the problem. I can’t understand it.
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.
Me: I know. I want to be David Aaronovich.
Eliza: Why do you want to be david aaronovitch?

At which point it started to go round in circles, which leads me to think that perhaps we don’t need to do that much development.

Could we even have a “kill 2 birds with one stone” Polly-o-Tron simulator, with an extra plug-in “Tim Worstall” module that would write a good chunk of Tim’s blog at the same time by applying factual corrections, and save enough time to let him stay in the blogosphere when he becomes an MEP?

Just musing over my cornflakes.

Engineering Resources

• Algorithm above.
• Eliza.
• BBC “Have your Say” comment simulator.
• Columns by Mr Aaronovich.
• Columns by La Polly.
• Tim Worstall.
• Ear muffs.

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